Your Children Are Not Your Children

A LOVING TRIBUTE TO MY AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL SON - JON

I have a HUGE hole in my heart - but foremost, I am eternally grateful for having Jon in my life as long as he was here with us. And I believe that his spirit lives on eternally - that we will never really be without him, because we love him so much and our memories of him are endless. Also, I am so grateful that his pain and suffering are over. It has been YEARS since he was walking without a limp or was pain free.

The past several months, Jon had broken down various times and cried, not wanting to die. I don’t think it was death itself he feared, but what he would be missing in the future with his wife and kids, friends and other family members plus all the many experiences he still wanted to have. And, most likely he dreaded any grief and sadness the loss of him would cause us all. Deep down, he knew he was much loved. I thought to the end that somehow, he would pull through and recover. It doesn’t seem right that he is gone, yet we have no choice and must accept it.

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Jon was never meek or low key - even as an infant. Unlike how most babies cry, Jon’s cry sounded more like a growl or a roar.

When he was born, he had a lot of dark hair – nearly 2 inches long. I wet it and combed in the same style as his dad wore, but since babies are lying down a lot – most of the time it was just sticking out all over, kind of wild looking. So when he was two weeks old – I gave him his first crew cut. My mom called him her “little fuzzy.” For years, every time I gave him a hair cut, I would tell him to go show Tina and Pat, their dad. So Jon would run around the house and show them – so proud of his new hair-do. He had that same short style until age 4 or 5.

He was always a busy little guy, constantly doing something and endlessly curious. I liked being busy too and sometimes, while I sewed, he had his own cloth piece, thread and needle, sewing with me. Later he created a realistic little leather seal, carefully stitched by hand. His art talent showed up at a very young age with intricate drawings – like an entire scene including other critters and a little worm poking its head up from the ground. And later there were those amazing geometric shapes in dozens of art pieces.

When he was less than two years old, we were camped near a very fast narrow little stream and he walked right over, stepped into it, immediately got swept away. I ran, barely caught his foot and pulled him out. After that, I used a harness until he got older because he was just too fast and curious to leave even for a minute. His aunt, Martina (Cookie), tells about a time when she was carrying him in downtown Helena and he jumped out of her arms, ran across the street in a flash.

He was not a typical little boy. Jon was never a bully, never physically rough just for the sake of it, never violent or aggressive with others. He was fascinated with bugs, nature in general, the mechanics of clocks, and other more interesting things. He had a slight lisp in early years through the first grades of school. Once when I went in to say good night, he told me about how the kids teased him and I explained that sometimes we have to be private about our feelings because some people are very harsh and thoughtless.

Jon wasn’t perfect and he acknowledged his human flaws. He stated honestly that he was an addictive type personality and selfish by nature. He was headstrong, which he came by naturally. At times, he could be very controlling. Last year, while I was down there helping during chemo appointments and surgeries - when I told him not to micro-manage me and asked him when he had become so controlling – he acknowledged that yes, he was a controller and that he also needed to be “right”. So we laughed about all of that and I admired him even more for not denying his imperfections.

I bought him his first electric guitar when he was twelve. By then he had learned to play guitar on his own and played by ear, like his dad. And later, he started writing songs. While he was in the navy – he kept me updated with music cassettes. He created a very impressive very unique large original songs collection, from which one of the early ones “Pyramid of Soul” is still a favorite. We talked at times about what he hoped to do with his music and before he got so weak, said he had a lot of work to do with some music he and his good buddies – Jose’, Clay and Kevin had recorded right following his discharge in late February after his amputation surgery.

Jon was such a generous person. He worked very hard for his money, managed it fairly well and shared his abundance easily, helping others along the way. He also was generous of spirit – he didn’t judge others, would strive to find the middle ground and focus on the good traits. He was also very forgiving.

He was a self made man, built an excellent reputation within his industry and mastered everything he did.

Although he was a very strong personality, he was very sensitive, loving and easily affectionate. He always told me he loved me when we talked by phone. It warmed my heart to see him with the first Bobbie dog. He loved her so much, would pull her up on the sofa and just hug her, kiss her, baby talk to her. And, he loved giving and receiving hugs. As a boy, he was very caring. His aunt, Bonnie, tells of a time when he rode his bicycle back to her lot to visit Grandma Jonni.

When Jon called me to let me know they were expecting their first baby – I was so proud that he said, “WE’RE pregnant” – not “she’s pregnant”.

For the most part, Jon and I got along great and were very close. I know he got tired of my nagging for years about him taking better care of his health. He understood that I had good intentions, but he did not want to hear it and those types of discussions were the only real conflict we ever had - even before he learned he had cancer. Last year, when I was down there, he told me, “Mom, you don’t have a dog in this fight.” What a profound and wise statement. It is SO true and I understood what he meant – it really wasn’t up to me, no matter what I did/didn’t do or said/didn’t say, it was really up to him and God - ultimately. That didn’t stop me from being involved as much as he would allow and doing as much as I could, though – trying to find a way to help him recover; and he still had to tell me to back off as recently as early April.

Over the years, I had told Jon and Tina both that they COULD NOT DIE before me and that I plan on being around for quite a while, so hang on for a long ride. The reason I told them that – is that I knew how painful it would be to witness them dying – from any cause. And I hoped they would be inspired to follow my lead on health & longevity. It turns out that I was right about how incredibly, unbearably painful it is - even when you somewhat understand it.

He confided in me that while he was in the navy – on a weekend furlough somewhere he spent some time at a public park and was watching the athletes and little families in their wholesome activities. He recalled having thought that THIS is what he could have for HIS life if he chose it, he could go down that different fork in the road; but then he consciously chose the other route – which did involve excessive alcohol and smoking. While I was down with him in the hospital in February – he said he had many regrets, including not caring for his health. He did not want his boys to be without their father or Chris to be without a partner for raising them. I’m quite sure he did a lot of self judging about that.

When Jon was building the swimming pool, he asked me about symbols for Metis (MAY tee) - which is a polite word for half breed. Jon’s dad and I both have Native American heritage. So I sent him the infinity image, which is the official Metis symbol. One of the loops is the white blood, the other is the red blood and we are not fully accepted by either - but what we are is the middle crossing space – in between. He used that design in the bottom of the swimming pool and that will last a long time.

His aunt, Martina, is organizing some willow tree planting to symbolize Jon’s enduring life beyond his physical body’s completed cycle.

Until just earlier in May, none of us knew how serious this was or how little chance he had after the cancer spread last year. I am so proud of Jon for being so brave and strong through all the many appointments, the 9 surgeries, endless pain and nausea since last July, keeping his hope alive right up until when they had to tell him he wasn’t going to make it. I know I could not have given him that news and Chris couldn’t either, so she asked Jose’ to tell him. I am so grateful for that loving, honest conversation Jon had with someone who really cared and could handle such a difficult and serious task.

When Jon’s dad died in 2006, Jon was right there until the end and handled the situation so well. Two of his aunts, my sisters Martina and Carolyn, both told me what a fine man Jon had become. Martina recently told me that if she could - she would tell him, “Job well done, Jon” overall about his life.

I am incredibly proud to have Jon as my son. One of the favorite electronic greeting birthday cards I found for him one year was an animated Mole character, which entered the scene on crutches. The text said, “When God created you, he broke the mole.” It was so fitting of Jon and he loved that card. He was one-of-a-kind, very unique, complex and an extraordinary example of humanity:

• Eccentric

• Fun loving, mischievous

• Responsible/good work ethic

• Highly intelligent - brilliant

• Witty

• Creative & multi-talented

• with Integrity & Strong values

• & very Loyal

We all want the best for our children and would love to be able to take away the stress, hard work, the anxiety, pain and disappointment that life delivers. But we are not in charge of their lives – THEY ARE. For years, I have been comforted by the Kahlil Gibran chapter On Children from his writing “The Prophet”. The premise is that our children come through us but belong not to us. I hope the song based on these principles is part of this memorial service.

Jon lived his life fully – doing it HIS way and he had a full life, as short as it was. Because of the high levels of pain meds at the end, I don’t know if he had the experience of his life flashing before him. But, if he did see scenes then or earlier just in reviewing his life – he could see a lot to be proud of. I do pray that his regrets were outweighed by his appreciation of all that he was and had done.

Chris, you have my eternal gratitude for the love and support you have showed him. I know how very difficult that has been, but you honored the commitment you made to him early on with this cancer - to be there for him through it all.

To Jon: I miss you so much, I will love you MOUNTAINS infinitely! Thank you for being such a loving, the BEST/greatest son and such a wonderful friend.

xoxo Mom

These are TWO recent experiences involving Jon.

1. After we learned that Jon was not going to make it – in a prayer/meditation state, I saw a big pointed arch that filled the entire wall of a chapel. It was filled with golden light. In a row close to the top were lights, looked like candles. Nearer the bottom in the middle was a glowing golden figure – head and shoulders. It felt like a sacred preparation for a transformation.
2. Friday night, May 22^nd, after returning from California - while I was sleeping, I was awakened by the sound of a sharp breath intake – I think it was his. Jon was sitting there (upper torso, head and shoulders) next to me in a bright yellow T-shirt – looking younger and he had a surprised expression on his face.

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Your Children are not Your Children

Famous Khalil Gibran quote from 'The Prophet'

Your Children are not Your Children

They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.